DAILY RODENT

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Gordon T. Gopher's Boozing, Bonking Death Leap Scandal
Fans of popular BBC TV star, Gordon T. Gopher. may have been wondering where their favourite small mammal has been for the last few year. Tragically, Gordon now lies in an unmarked grave, a gopher that died too soon, too young. By the late 1980's Gordon had risen from bit parts in Tales of the Riverbank to become one of biggest stars of children's television.

As with so many stars fame soon went to Gordon's head and behind the cameras he began to descend into a life of drink, drugs and easy rodents.

Sometimes his mind would be so warped by booze and narcotics he would barely be able to squeak coherently.

Despite it all Gordon was able to keep his private life away from his public image. Gordon was often photographed with beautiful female gophers, but these were explained away as Gordon being polite to his fans.
However Gordon's secret life was to be tragically cut short when he was photographed carrying out an unbecoming activity. After following Gordon and a "lady friend" back to his London pad a daring photographer hid in the gold-plated exercise wheel.

Soon the photographer was to record scenes of red hot gopher action, like the one shown here. As the night wore on the sounds of erotic squeaking echoed through central London.
Tragically, as the two furballs finally finishing their fantasy frensy, the rising sun revealed the photographer's hiding place.

Gordon spotted the photographer and became panic-stricken. He knew that if the photos were published his squeaky-clean image would be destroyed. He desperately offered a bribe which was not accepted.
Enraged, Gordon leapt at the photographer who had to fight off the most angry eight inches of yellow fluff ever encountered. Gordon rendered the camera unusable but did not know the film remained intact, or that the photographer carried a pocket B&W spy camera.
Knowing it was all over Gordon scrambled to a window ledge, his career in tatters. He squeaked something about a duck with a heroin addiction and left to his death.

The last photo of Gordon shows his still body, crushed and lifeless.

He was skinned and used as a wig by Philip Schofield in The Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. Schofield said "..it was what he would of wanted".
The BBC soon learnt their lesson and never used real animals to entertain children again. They introduced Ratz, an artificial cat, controlled by Philippa Forrester with a special kind of stick.

 

To read more on how Philippa Forrester and Philip Schofield colluded to replace Gordon CLICK HERE

jonathancobb.com